WASHINGTON, D.C. — Shortly after President Barack Hussein Obama delivered a strong address as he unveiled new, bold executive orders on gun control, Bill Dickerdillia handed his 9mm handgun and two Bushmaster AR-15 semiautomatic rifles over to the president, saying he was “willingly complying with his Sharia law dictate.” A confused Obama laughed and handed the guns back to Dickerdillia, telling him to go re-read Obama’s comments and the impact of the orders.
“He said that nothing he was ordering would impact any of the guns I already own,” Dickerdillia told reporters shortly after the incident took place, “and that they’d only effect future sales, hopefully forcing more and more gun-related commerce to go through some kind of background check first. He also said he was trying to get our gun technology to at least be as safe as our keeping toddlers away from pills technology.” However, Dickerdillia said, he assumed that Obama was just using “an old Democrat mind trick” like Sean Hannity has been warning his audience that the president is capable of for years, and he simply complied with what he thought the orders were going to be.
When asked whether he took the time to listen to Obama’s speech and the executive orders before he handed his guns over to the president, Dickerdillia said, “Of course I didn’t listen to his speech; I didn’t have to.” Mr. Dickerdillia said “Rush and Hannity have already proven to [him] that anytime Obama — or any liberal Democrat” speaks about guns, “they are wanting to confiscate them.”
“It doesn’t matter how much common sense went into his executive orders,” Dickerdillia screamed at reporters, “Shall not be infringed counters every argument perfectly. Sure, we all but eliminated kids accidentally swallowing their mommy’s ibuprofen with regulations regarding the safety of products; but shall not be infringed!” According to Mr. Dickerdillia, if the U.S. simply removed all its laws, barriers to trade would be so completely “obliterated” that “the free market will literally solve all our problems anyway.” Even laws that punish rapists and murderers should be abolished according to Mr. Dickerdillia because “no criminal follows laws anyway.”
“Anyway,” Dickerdillia said as he was walking away from the reporters, “I figured since he was issuing executive orders on guns, that one of them had to be that I needed to turn in my gun or I’d be forced to gay marry — you know, like that plot that Alex Jones uncovered told us he’d do? So I just handed Obama my gun, since being gay married is a bridge too far. Sucking and fucking is one thing, but full-blown committed relationships are too much.”
None of Obama’s orders relate to any guns being confiscated, nor is there a “gay marriage” clause in any officially published documentation on the executive orders. Current estimates put roughly 300 million guns on the streets and in homes across America. Since 1980, more than a million people have died from gun violence in the U.S.