WASHINGTON, D.C. — Deadly violence that took the lives of over 60 Palestinians attempting to cross an Israeli Gaza border fence in protest of a new U.S. embassy in Jerusalem has birthed a scandal that could embroil a president, but not Donald Trump.
The decision to officially move the United States’ Israeli embassy within the city limits of Jerusalem was one that past presidents had decided to stop short of, despite all of them signalling public support for Israel. However, one of President Trump’s most often repeated campaign promises was to move the embassy into Jerusalem, and so his administration has been framing it in that light, and as a political success.
“Of course the loss of life isn’t desirable,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters as she entered the White House carrying a family size bag of nacho cheese Doritos for herself and a bucket of KFC for her boss. “But in the end, aren’t a few dozen dead Palestinians an acceptable price to pay for political victories, er I mean, um, you know, supporting our one true ally in the region, or something?”
Reports are that while he was watching news coverage of the massacre yesterday, former President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Somewhere in Islam) was wearing a tan suit and eating a hamburger with mustard on it. Huckabee Sanders was asked about the rumors swirling around Obama’s attire and burger condiment choice during the massacre. She said that when he heard the news, President Trump wanted to know if Obama could be arrested for “some crime or whatever” over it. Sanders said it’s a “sadly unsurprising turn of events” and that it shows “Obama’s regular lack of human decency.”
Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating.
“This is the kind of shit we came into power knowing we had to reverse,” Huckabee Sanders said. “Whether it’s helping millions of people afford health insurance, or wearing tan suits and putting mustard on burgers, if Obama did it, we’re gonna undo it so fast it’ll make your head spin.”
Several key congressional Republicans have expressed outrage and demanded full inquiries into the rumors, sources say.
“This is just appalling and tragic, and frankly the worst news of the day,” retiring Congressman Trey Gowdy (R-SC) told reporters. “I dare say this might be a new Benghazi. We clearly need to know all the relevant facts and what, if anything, Hillary Rodham Clinton knew about Obama’s suit and burger mustard transgressions.”
Outgoing Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said he finds the calls for inquiries into Obama’s suit and burger “ridiculous” and a “total waste of time and money” but that ultimately he has a “duty to the Republican Party” to fully investigate any accusations against Democrats.
“So of course as one of my last acts as Speaker, I will absolutely authorize the investigations into this heinousness,” Ryan said. “We cannot sit idly by and just let former presidents wear whatever they want. And I think we absolutely have to focus on this issue, and ONLY this issue until we die. We most definitely do not want to start doing any oversight into the self-evidently corrupt and inept current administration, am I right, fam?”
President Obama has not publicly commented on the rumors. This story is developing and will be updated.