Chris Christie Only Customer in Dunkin’ Donuts He Closed Due to ‘Health and Safety Concerns’

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY — In response to a budget crisis, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie closed down the beaches in the state over the weekend.

Then, however, pictures were taken of Christie and his family enjoying one of the Garden State’s beaches, all by themselves. The images when viral and seemed to crystallize for many the toxic relationship that Christie has with his constituents. Christie currently has the lowest approval rating of any single politician in the country with national name recognition. Just 15% of those polled approve of his job performance. Mr. Christie has been heretofore unfazed by the approval rating, asking the media, “The fact is, who cares?


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On Monday morning, Christie was spotted at a local Dunkin’ Donuts in New Jersey’s capital. Spotting Governor Christie in such an establishment is not newsworthy, however it was the specific doughnut shop he was seen in that caused yet even more hubbub for him. Mr. Christie’s administration had recently revoked this particular Dunkin’ Donuts’ approval to operate over “health and safety concerns,” according to a press release from the governor’s office last week.

“I don’t get it,” one New Jersey resident told a local news station, “Christie closed this Dunkin’ last week, and now he’s in it, all by himself? Just seems to me there are easier, less shady ways to cut in line, know what I mean?”

Mr. Christie was spotted in the store with his security detail, wife, and some colleagues from the state Republican Party. Sources close to the situation say that Christie walked around the shop smiling, laughing, and “generally acting like he owned the place.” When asked by an employee of the store why he was allowed to come in and demand donuts from them, Christie reportedly shrugged and laughed.

“It’s good to be the king-sized douche bag,” Christie said with a smug smile.


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Later, as he was leaving the Dunkin’ Donuts, Christie attempted to give a more nuanced explanation for what he’d done.

“Look, we all know that as a Republican I believe that government is terrible,” Christie explained, “But also, as a Republican, I know that if I’m abusing my position of authority it’s not because I’m the very same corrupt politician I tell you only Democrats become. It’s because I’m, like, a patriot or some shit. I don’t know; it’s weird, you know what I mean?”




On the way back to the governor’s mansion, Christie spotted someone he knew from high school that he didn’t get along with. The man was walking across the street in a crosswalk when Christie had his limo pull over. Exiting the limo, he stood in front of the man crossing the street and told him the road he was attempting to cross to was closed, immediately, by order of the governor.

“Sorry, dick,” Christie said with yet another smug smile on his face, “the State of New Jersey is closing this road. You have to find another route.”

Dunkin’ Donuts did not comment on this story.


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