As you know by now, The Political Garbage Chute has committed to accurately tracking America’s Greatness during President Donald J. Trump’s tenure in the Oval Office. It’s one thing to tell people you’re going “Make America Great Again,” but it’s something else entirely to attempt a qualification and quantification for such a claim. But, if anyone is well-equipped for such a task, it’s the Chute.
On day four of the Trump Era, the country witnessed the biggest recorded jump in American Greatness since President Dwight Eisenhower invented Push-Pops frozen ice cream treats in 1957. The spike of nearly 600% is being attributed to the fact that President Trump woke up without any gassy feeling. Normally, when Trump is first awoken, aides say he’s a “giant ball of farts” and that it takes a good thirty to forty minutes of straight, solid flatulence before he feels himself.
Other factors in today’s American Greatness rating include:
- KellyAnne Conway made her morning breakfast without crying into her super-spiked coffee about what a soulless, lying robot she’d become.
- Sean Spicer went almost sixteen minutes without crying about how unfairly his boss is treated by the press.
- Reince Priebus closed escrow on a few more, different letters for his name other than “E” and “I.”
- Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) got over his brief bout of morals and scruples to support Rex Tillerson for Secretary of State.
- Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) has narrowed down his choice for the cat food to give to seniors once he guts Medicaid and Social Security to three brands.
- Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced that coal was found to be a good alternative to literally every product everywhere.
- 20 million people got just that much closer to losing their health insurance so that rich people can get just that much richer.
- Rick Perry learned the name of the federal department he’s going to run, though spelling it is still on his to-do list.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.