KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This morning, Larry “God” Schumway held a press conference in front of the Pearly Gates, and when asked by heavenly reporters, he spoke briefly about the epidemic of school shootings in the United States.
Schumway is the CEO of Holy Trinity, Inc., a luxury afterlife timeshare development. He said that he has heard some conservative Americans offering thoughts and prayers in the wake of several shooting incidents at schools since the massacre at Columbine High School at a Colorado school in 1999. God said he is “honored and humbled” and he is “always willing to answer the phone,” but he said he feels the need, now, to warn Americans about an alarming trend he’s seen.
“At first, I felt like the thoughts and prayers thing, while not really effective outside of making the person saying it feel good, was a good, healthy gesture,” Schumway said. “And don’t get me wrong, I am honored and humbled that you think calling me will stop the bloodshed, I’m always willing to answer the phone, but I think Americans need to know something.”
God said that he had his executive vice president, his son Jesus Hubert Christ, run some numbers and they were both were “very alarmed” at what they saw.
“Your kids are making it here faster than your thoughts and prayers,” Christ said. “Sure, in terms of raw numbers the thoughts and prayers are still far outweighing the body count, but in terms of efficacy, I just have to say your prayers are kind of worthless when your kids’ bodies are already cold and stiff.”
Just this year, God says, he and his staff have had to prepare for the early arrivals of more than 20 students since the horrific Sandy Hook massacre in 2012. Schumway said he really believed after that particular shooting there would be more than thoughts and prayers used to remedy the situation, but he said was not surprised when congress didn’t pass any new legislation.
“They’ve got about half their lawmakers squarely in the back pockets of people whose job it is to bribe them into writing laws that make it easier to sell more and more of their products to a smaller and smaller segment of the population,” God said. “It’s fascinating that everyone down there is either ignoring that fact or is unaware of it, but the simple truth is that fewer people are owning more guns, and the NRA knows they have to keep convincing people to buy more guns they truly don’t need. But hey, don’t let that stop you from calling me after these tragedies, I’m here for you, but I may be busy setting up your third grader’s condo, so you might have to leave me a message.”
Mr. Schumway said he doesn’t like to wade into political arenas, and he isn’t going to issue any proclamations or commandments about guns or gun laws, however he did say he was willing to “make some casual observations.”
“You know, when they invented cars down there, they started to see more and more people dying in car crashes,” God said. “So they wrote laws that made cars safer. They didn’t take cars away; they didn’t ban cars. They made laws that gave themselves a better and better chance at filtering out the people who can’t be trusted with a vehicle that can kill people if used recklessly. To say they can’t do the same thing with guns, just because there’s a tiny paragraph written over 200 years ago about them seems the utter height of human stupidity to me.”
“But hey, the fuck do I know? I just created those schmucks, is all,” Schumway said. “So, sure, stick to your thoughts and prayers, and I’ll just keep giving the keys to their afterlife condos to your kids when they get here, America.”