Hillary Clinton Circling Michael Cohen’s Block Chanting, ‘Lock Him Up!’

Hillary Clinton shouts, "Lock him up!"

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Sources close to the scene are confirming that former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has been circling the home of Michael Cohen in a late model sedan shouting, “Lock him up!” at the top of her lungs.

Cohen is President Trump’s longtime attorney. Mr. Cohen’s name has been in the headlines quite a lot lately, mostly because he was the man who helped facilitate a payment of $130,000 to adult film actress Stormy Daniels. The money paid to Daniels was meant to buy her silence about a sexual tryst she says she had with Trump a few years ago, when now First Lady Melania Trump was still pregnant with Trump’s fifth child, Baron. Yesterday, the FBI raided Cohen’s office at the referral of Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

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During the 2016 presidential campaign, Ms. Clinton was routinely mocked, criticized, and attacked over the FBI investigation into her use of a private email server during her tenure at the State department. Though no charges were ultimately filed, Trump and his surrogates often led rally crowds in chants of “Lock her up,” so much so that it became a de facto secondary campaign slogan to “Make America Great Again!”

During the campaign, Cohen publicly assailed Clinton, telling her she was going to “go to prison for defrauding America and perjury,” in a Tweet, seen below.

The first bombshell about the raid was dropped by President Trump’s very favorite newspaper, The Failing New York TimesSubsequent reports from other outlets seem to indicate charges the FBI will seek against Cohen are bank fraud and campaign fraud, among other crimes. Mr. Trump called the raid a “disgrace.”

“Hillary’s just been circling and circling and honking and honking,” one eyewitness outside Cohen’s home told us via Skype. “She’s got these little printouts of that tweet of Cohen’s and she’s like a one woman ticker tape parade, laughing, shouting for Cohen to be locked up, and spewing the printed tweets out her window. Not very environmentally friendly, but it’s sort of to be understood, considering how much she was fucked-with during the election about going to jail.”

It’s unclear at this time how long Clinton plans to troll Cohen, but witnesses say she seems in it for the long haul.

“This is a woman who testified, under oath, before a hostile congressional hearing for eleven hours straight,” one witness said. “She seems like she can dig in and focus on the task at hand. I also so a whole line of cars just waiting for her to get in and drive them around the block, once the first car runs out of gas. She could be here for a few days, I’m thinking.”

The White House did not comment on this developing story.

James‘ satire is also found on:
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