CAPE FERRARO, ILLINOIS — Speaking in front of a packed auditorium attending a conference celebrating feminism throughout the 20th and 21st centuries, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton weighed in on President Donald Trump’s firing of FBI Director James Comey.
“Well, from what I’ve read and in the news outlets is that the president made this decision in a real heated rage,” Clinton said, “and I think that just goes to show you what we’ve all felt at one time is totally true — men are just too emotional to be effective leaders.”
Ms. Clinton, who was the first female presidential nominee from either major party, told attendees of the conference that she had tried to communicate to the American people just how “irrational, unhinged, and emotionally bound to his decisions” Trump was during the campaign.
“Anyone with even a rudimentary ability to read people’s body language, tone, and demeanor could tell that our president is given to rash decisions and doesn’t really think things through,” Clinton said, “just like so many other men throughout history, am I right?”
Secretary Clinton said that even though she wasn’t the one to do it, that it was vital a woman break through the glass ceiling one day and find herself elected to the highest office in the country. Clinton said the “toxic over emotional nature” of Trump and men like Richard Nixon who have occupied the White House is “deadly for freedom and progress.” Ms. Clinton shocked the audience when she said that having his daughter Ivanka by his side might actually be a “good thing for the country.”
“Maybe she can help moderate his emotions to be more like a female,” Clinton said, “where we are in touch with our emotions, giving us empathy and the ability to lead in a more conducive way.”
A hush fell over the room. No one there liked Trump or his daughter, it would seem. Then, though, Secretary Clinton seemed to have another thought and added a caveat.
“Then again,” Clinton said, “that’s if she can get off his lap and start whispering sound advice instead sweet nothings in his ear.”
The crowd roared.
“If Ivanka could get her finger out of her dad’s ass,” Clinton continued, “and put it on the pulse of America instead, maybe she could help guide that tantrum throwing septuagenarian toddler into being an actual leader and not a self aggrandizing prick, right?”
The crowd’s laughter intensified. Clinton was slaying.
“And say what you will about me,” Clinton said, “and about my campaign’s stunning lack of ability to defeat the worst human being to ever run for the office. Or about my obvious plan to just lean on what I considered my inevitability instead of fighting hard for votes in key swing states. But one thing we know for certain — I wouldn’t be leading the country like a super-duper PMs-ing woman would I?”
The roars were nearly overpowering the public address system carrying Clinton’s voice.
“I mean, he wants to fuck his daughter, am I right,” Clinton asked.
The crowd’s intensity reached its highest levels and Secretary Clinton dropped the microphone she was holding, stood still for a moment, and then walked off stage.
Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.