HAVANA, CUBA — President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Sharia Land) made history over the weekend when Air Force One touched down in Cuba. Obama is the first sitting U.S. President to visit the island nation just off the southern tip of Florida since Calvin Coolidge in 1928. But if Obama visiting Cuba is historical, the meeting that is being reported to the press by several top aides is both history making and perhaps shocking to some.
“The president and Fidel Castro met at an undisclosed restaurant in Havana,” one aide told us on the condition of anonymity and a Playstation 4, “where they exchanged a very secret communist handshake taught to Obama and Castro by George Soros, who was taught by Saul Alinsky himself.” The handshake, the aide says, was part of a ritual that all “statist, Communist, Sharia loving, socialist, radical liberals perform every first day of Spring” to contact none other than Karl Marx from beyond the grave.
Explaining that it works “kinda like the Force ghosts in Star Wars,” our White House source told us that Marx was able to master a form of immortality, and “hang out in the spirit world” where modern day communists can ask for his guidance. The aide told us that all prospective communists must train to contact Marx during their indoctrination classes at Communist University in Red Falls, Idaho. Castro and Obama both knew exactly what to do, the staffer says, as soon as their handshake was complete.
“They locked arms, sat down at a big table with a crystal ball on it,” the aide related to us, “and they said ‘Karl Marx! Karl Marx! Karl Marx!’ just like that, three times in a row.” Then, the anonymous source says, the ghostly visage of Marx appeared hovering above the table.
The three discussed several issues, but they all centered around a core theme — how Obama was going to pull installing himself as Justice Antonin Scalia’s Supreme Court replacement. From there, the three posited, he should be able to help ensure that their Marxist plan of taking down America from within by making it so that LGBTQ people, women, and ethnic and religious minorities were treated with dignity and respect would be carried out to its completion.
“Nothing would make he happier than to use their constitution against them,” Obama reportedly said, “and create a more tolerant environment. Nothing is more American than judging people who look and act differently than you do. And taking that away from the Supreme Court’s bench will be my honor, Lord Marx.”
World domination was not the only thing Castro, Obama, and Marx’s Force Ghost talked about. They also discussed knitting and soup recipes.
“Comrade Obama has sent me — by way of the Secret Commie Communications Network of course — several wonderful pictures of the tea coozies and sweaters he’s knitted,” Castro told Marx, “and his French onion soup recipe is literally the best soup I’ve ever had in my entire life.”
After two hours of jovial chatting and plotting to fundamentally and radically change the United States of America, it was time for Marx to go. Dabbing red tears from their cheeks, Castro and Obama bade their friend a fond farewell.
President Obama began normalizing relations with Cuba at the end of 2015 after decades of Cold War animosity had built-up between the two countries.