James Comey Sends Donald Trump His Memos and Case of Snapple Peach Mint Tea

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Fired FBI Director James Comey has reportedly sent a special gift to alleged President Donald J. Trump.

White House staffers are reporting that at about 8:45 am this morning a delivery from Comey showed up via the United States Post Office. The package contained copies of all the memos that Mr. Comey reportedly wrote after meeting with Trump, as well as some liquid refreshment. A case of Snapple “Peach Mint” tea was sent along with the memos.

Many pundits and scholars on both sides of the aisle are starting to speak about this story in terms of a Constitutional crisis. Not since Richard Nixon fired Archibald Cox has an executive branch firing caused so much confusion and chaos on the Hill. Nixon’s decision to can Cox ultimately led the hiring of a special prosecutor who eventually uncovered enough evidence of Nixon’s cover-up of the Watergate break-in to force Nixon to resign out of public pressure and threat of a looming impeachment.

“Dear Comrade President Trump,” a letter accompanying the memos and tea opened, “please find enclosed copies of all the memorandum written in the wake of our meetings. You’ll find that i documented your attempts to get me to call off the Flynn investigation copiously. I hope you’ll find I quoted you accurately, but I’m sure you could always produce your Oval Office recordings if you care to debunk them.”

In the letter, Comey explains that he included the case of peach mint tea so that the president could “refresh himself” whenever he pleases.

“I know having your campaign under federal investigation must be very stressful,” Comey wrote, “which can have the effect of really making you quite parched. It’s why we make sure to give people we’re interviewing lots of water to drink.”

Mr. Comey warned Trump not to drink too much of the tea all at once, though.

“I don’t want you to have to make frequent trips to the little handed boys’ room,” Comey wrote, “but then again, we both know you don’t mind a little pee-pee every now again, right Comrade?”

Comey’s letter was signed simply, but a rather pointed post-script was added to it.

“Enjoy them,” Comey’s letter reads, “while you can, you compromised bitch.”




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