BEND, OREGON — As the country awaits the conclusion of the standoff between federal authorities and a militia group that has taken refuge in a bird observatory in Oregon, one of the militia’s most decorated soldiers, Oregon First Militia Private Corporal Master Chief Grant Ryan performed what he and his fellow squadron mates called “Operation Eat the Last Chocodile.”
“We held a meeting last night at Nineteen-Hundred hours,” Ryan told us via Skype, “and we decided those jackbooted thugs might arrest us, they may take our guns, and they make take our liberty, but they will never take our Chocodiles!” Private Corporal Master Chief Ryan said that Twinkies, Ding-Dongs and even Zingers were also to be protected at all costs. According to the plans he drew up with the rest of his platoon, the last man not to be captured or otherwise leave the observatory is to eat every last snack food in their possession “with great swiftness and intent.”
Ryan says that he had “been in the bathroom all morning” and didn’t hear the other members of his militia being arrested by Federal agents. But once he determined he was the last one in the observatory, he want to the snack cache and began unloading sugary sweets down his gullet. Claiming it was the “only way to stop tyranny in its tracks,” Master Chief Ryan estimates he has already eaten “at least six dozen candy bars and another four boxes of assorted snack cakes.”
“Every bite is a bite for patriotism, every gram of sweet cream filling in every Twinkie is like its own, tiny, calorie-laden Declaration of Independence,” Ryan told us, “and I will finish my mission. I didn’t get this Purple Heart, and this Silver Cross because I was afraid to do my duty.”
Even as a diabetic, Master Chief Ryan says he will “finish the job or die trying.”
“I don’t care if it takes me all day and all night, I will eat every single snack food in this observatory,” Ryan declared, “because that’s what George Washington would do. That’s what Thomas Jefferson would do. Hell, that’s what great American Civil War heroes like General Lee and Stonewall Jackson would do! I will not let this filthy federal government of ours take me without making sure they take me with my belly as full of delicious Hostess snacks as possible.”
As he finished his last sentence, Ryan pressed “Play” on a CD player in the bird observatory and Taps could be heard. Ryan fished around behind him a moment, then produced a Chocodile, still wrapped. Unwrapping it, he told us, “this is for my fallen comrades,” and he ate the Chocodile. Shortly after, federal agents found him, and after they let him put on a fresh change of pants since his were soiled at the sight of them, Oregon First Militia Private Corporal Master Chief Grant Ryan was arrested and removed permanently from the bird observatory, a trail of candy wrappers, energy drinks, and loose ammunition in his wake.