WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans are meeting at time of publication, abuzz with news of a White House memo that leaked overnight.
In the memo, President Barack H. Obama outlines to his entire administration plans to confiscate every single gun in the United States. But in order to “throw those fine American patriots off our scent,” the memo says, he must “wait until they least suspect it, until I’m out of office.”
“We all know that since I was recruited by the Force Ghost of Saul Alinsky to take down America from within by making it more free and equal for people who aren’t white, Christian, and male,” Obama’s memo says, “that one of the keys to pulling off Order 1469 is to completely eliminate all guns from the United States. But up to now, our political enemies and their eagle-eyed defense of their constitution have stymied our efforts. We have a way around that.”
In the memo, Obama says he’ll “just do a little goodbye tour and on the way around the country” and while on that tour he’ll “sneak into everyone’s house using Sharia Voodoo and snatch their guns.” President Obama’s memo estimates that there are “well over 300 million guns to be snatched” but that “since most gun nuts are easily distracted we can show them a shiny object in the distance and while they are chasing after it, we’ll grab all their guns.”
“Please wait for the appropriate signal on the Obama Line,” the memo says, “which will remain active even after the next president is sworn-in, of course. In case you forgot, the code phrase is Allah Over America Go Go Go! Do not act upon Order 1469 until you hear that phrase.” Obama also took time to praise “Future Dear Leader Hillary Clinton” for her “wonderful suggestion to wave Chik-Fil-A under particularly crabby gun owners’ noses to get them to release their weapons to us.”
Obama’s memo says that his recent executive orders on guns were “just low hanging, common sense fruit” and that he “yearns for a truly authoritarian, dictatorial, Sharia Loving power move,” which is why the memo was being sent out, and Order 1469 would be given.
“No one will be suspecting it since he won’t technically be president anymore” Obama says in the memo, “Genius. Pure genius.”
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