GRIFFIN BEACH, ARIZONA — Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the 85 year old controversial law enforcement official who was pardoned last year by President Donald Trump, has entered the race for retiring Senator Jeff Flake’s (R) seat. Arpaio was convicted last year of refusing to stop racially profiling Latino and Hispanic Arizonans, but Mr. Trump gave him a highly irregular first-year presidential pardon, and now Mr. Arpaio, who was also one of the chief promoters of the “Birther” conspiracy theory against former President Barack Obama, has his sights trained on Flake’s senate seat.
But it won’t be a cakewalk to D.C., at least not if one literal piece of feces has anything to say about it.
“I just figured when voters compare us, they’ll find me less offensive and absurd an option, is all,” Phil Turdero told reporters as he made his official announcement of his candidacy for Flake’s seat yesterday afternoon. “And yes, I am an actual, honest to God piece of shit, so I know I have a long and rough dirt road ahead of me, and I might not come out smelling like roses in the end, but I will undoubtedly be a better representative of this state than that other dried of piece of crap.”
Turdero is a Fecal American, and he says he’s proud of his heritage. Turdero has belonged to both the Democratic and the Republican Parties in his lifetime, but he is choosing to run as a Republican this time around for a number of reasons.
“Republicans are used to voting for any piece of shit they see as long as he or she has an R by their name, so I’m hoping to leverage that to my advantage,” Turdero said. “But I’d be going to Washington to work in a bipartisan way to fix our country, not just take a dump all over it.”
Mr. Turdero says that he wouldn’t have even considered entering the race until he found out Sheriff Arpaio was running.
“This guy is demonstrably racist. He’s got an obvious vendetta against people of color, and he’s boastful about the human rights violations he inflicted on prisoners,” Turdero said. “He’s such a vile sack of manure I had to jump in the race to give Arizona Republicans a candidate they only have to hold their nose and vote for because he smells like doody, not because his brain is full of it.”
In an extraordinary move, Turdero is already endorsing every Democratic candidate.
“I’m not a dumbshit, I’m just a shit. I know I have almost no chance of winning the nomination, so I’m just saying to the great people of Arizona that if they don’t want to vote for a senile, old racist crap hound, and I’m not on the ballot come November, vote for literally any other human being besides Sheriff Arpaio,” Turdero implored.
Sheriff Arpaio was too busy retrieving his favorite white robes and hood from the cleaners to comment on this story.