SLOW RIVER, CONNECTICUT — Self-described right-wing libertarian Ryan Kevin says he has been in “scramble mode” since the beginning of the year. Kevin, who runs several right-wing oriented Facebook pages, told our reporter that he was “frantic and terrified” because he realized that this is the last year that President Barack H. Obama will be in office, and that means next year he might have to “blame everything on someone else entirely.”
“I’ve gotten really used to hating Obama for everything and anything,” Mr. Kevin told us, “and blaming things like the labor participation rate on him, despite not in any way disparaging Republican presidents who have seen a decline in the labor participation rate as well” are just a few of the things he’ll miss about Obama. “Just who am I going to blame for every international incident that Obama had nothing to do with,” he asked, continuing, “and who will I blame for my lack of a better life for me and my family after years of voting for Republicans in local and state elections and seeing those politicians make my government run even more terribly, if not President Obama?”
Kevin said that “on some level” he “deeply wishes” Obama would declare martial law and usurp power, becoming the almighty dictator he was so sure he’d have become by now. “If for nothing else,” he said, “because I’ve been so much blood, sweat, and tears into hating everything that comes out of Obama’s mouth, even stuff that Republicans used to talk about.” Ryan said Obamacare is the perfect example of “something Republicans used to love” that he hated from the start because “Obama wanted it,” and he just isn’t sure that either Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton will be as fun to demagogue needlessly. “I mean, they’re just so you know,” Ryan stammered around for the right words, “less pigmented than him is all.”
“Who the hell am I going to pin all my conspiracy theories about FEMA camps, gun grabbing and Sharia law,” Kevin barked at our reporter.
“I can’t even imagine what I’ll do with all my spare time if the Republican guy wins,” Ryan said. “Don’t get me wrong,” he continued, “I want the Republican to win because no mater what history says, Democrats destroy the economy and weaken our international standing, but I spend at least six hours a day thinking about how Obama is screwing me over, how in the hell am I going to fill all that time if a Republican or non-pigmented Democrat wins?”
Then, after several long moments of thought, Ryan smiled. “Of course! If the Democrat wins it’ll be just like when that blow job guy was president,” he exclaimed.
“I had totally forgotten that we can talk trash on the president and call their legitimacy into question just based on his political party,” Mr. Kevin said as the interview ended, “because being a Democrat is all most of the GOP base needs to presume their presidency is illegal and rife with crime and corruption, no matter how many millions we waste trying to prove it, only to fail in the end.” With a big grin, he walked away from the laundromat where the interview was conducted.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.