HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA — Even big time, A-List Hollywood celebrities are subject to the rule of law, and that’s even if they’ve just won the most prestigious award their industry hands out. Mahershala Ali, who won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor just hours prior, was briefly detained by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officials as he headed into the Vanity Fair after party. Ali is an American citizen, however ICE officials say he was stopped for “extreme vetting” before entering the party for “national security” reasons.
“Plus,” one deputy junior ICE agent told the press, “he’s got a Muslimy name. So we had to act on that, you know, even if he’s an American citizen. That’s just how it works now. You start with the real Muslims, then work your way out to the American ones.”
Mr. Ali won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of a gay, black man struggling to find his identity and way in life. Ali was born in Oakland, California, and ICE officials say he was “very cooperative” and “seemed to understand his unfortunate combination of skin color and name” made it “literally impossible not to extreme vet him.” ICE agents say Mr. Ali answered all their questions respectfully, and that his “little companion” was free to go at any time.
“Ali was briefly stopped,”another ICE source told us, “so that he could be patted down, interrogated, and vetted before entering the party. His little companion, however, was never a target of our safety protocols and was always free to go.”
The companion immigration officials were referring to was Ali’s Oscar statuette.
“We asked me Ali for his friend’s name,” an ICE agent told reporters outside the Vanity Fair party, “and when he told us it was Oscar, we knew we could let him go in. Oscar being naked helped us realize that not only did he have a good, clean, patriotic, God-fearing, ammo hoarding, white person’s name, but he wasn’t carrying any bombs or other weapons, so he was free to go right away, though Mr. Ali seemed hesitant to let Oscar go.”
That raised a few eyebrows with ICE agents for a short time.
“It was a little suspicious,” an anonymous source said, “for this guy with dark skin and a Muslim sounding name to be so unwilling to give up his little friend. I mean, was he holding that Oscar guy against his will? We asked Oscar, but he remained silent, which is his constitutional duty.”
For a brief time, Ali was indeed separated from his Academy Award when an ICE agent told private security working the party that the Oscar was “free to go.” Security took the award and placed it inside, where by all accounts it had a really great time drinking and dancing. Ali was admitted into the party once his California ID card was checked, re-checked, and verified, and once sixteen members of the “Moonlight” cast and crew vouched for him with ICE.
White Press Secretary Sean Spicer said that the Trump administration supports ICE’s “bold and decisive” action and that “no abundance of caution” should be criticized.
“Look, you fake news asshole fuckface bitch whores will say whatever you want anyway, because you’re a bunch of disrespectful little cunts,” Spicer said, “so go and print your lies if you want. But clearly Ali had to be temporarily detained for national security, American freedom, and you know, other reasons.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.