Marco Rubio Seen in Comedy Cellar, Woodshedding New Trump Material

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — In an attempt to break out of his reputation for being stiff and robotic, Marco Rubio was seen late Sunday night doing a quick, five-minute set at New York’s famous Comedy Cellar nightclub.

Senator Rubio (R-FL) is undeniably the establishment’s preferred choice for the party’s nomination. However, Rubio has been running in the same election as billionaire reality-TV star and current GOP front-runner Donald J. Trump, and Rubio has been defeated soundly in all four primaries and caucuses so far. After Rubio, Trump and Senator Ted Cruz (R-Douche Town) battled it out with a sleepy-eyed Dr. Ben Carson in the last primary debate, Marco has been attempting to use humor on the campaign trail to knock Trump down a peg or two.

Politico reported Senator Rubio’s first brush with stand-up rhetoric like this:

“He called me Mr. Meltdown. Let me tell you something, last night in the debate during one of the breaks, two of the breaks, he went backstage and he was having a meltdown,” Rubio claimed. ”First he had one of those makeup things applying around his mustache because he had one of those sweat mustaches. Then, then he asked for a full length mirror, I don’t know why because the podium goes up to here (gestures to chest). I don’t know why maybe to make sure his pants weren’t wet.” (source)

In Virginia, Rubio tamed his jokes a bit, according to The Huffington Post:

Indeed, Rubio kept most of his Trump broadsides on the level, abandoning the below-the-belt attacks he briefly employed on Friday, when he suggested to a crowd in Dallas that the reality TV star had wet his pants during Thursday’s debate in Houston. Instead, he focused on Trump’s spotty business record, the murky ethics of Trump University and struck more populist tones by bemoaning immigrant laborers employed in Trump’s properties. (source)

On Sunday night in Manhattan, Rubio told the audience he was “woodshedding” some new material and he proceeded to tell a series of campaign-related jokes that took aim at Trump but also Cruz and Carson.

“A jerk, a liar, xenophobe, an Islamaphobe, and a total phony walk into a bar,” Rubio started one of his jokes, “and the bartender says,’Hey Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, I can’t really tell you apart!’ Hi-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” The joke got tepid but polite laughter from the audience. Another joke that Rubio attempted was, “What do you tell Donald Trump when he’s standing in dog shit? You say, ‘Get off Ted Cruz’s back, Donald!’ HI-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

After the five minute set, reporters caught up with Senator Rubio and asked him some questions. One reporter asked him who his biggest comedic influences were. To which Rubio replied, “Oh you know, all the great conservative comedians…like…um…Dennis Miller, he’s kinda funny-ish, and that guy with the puppets that say really racist and Islamaphobic shit and all the rednecks in the audience lap it up with a knife and spoon? That guy’s cool. Also, Ronald Reagan, of course, as a Republican.”

“I don’t know that my jokes will cut through to our voters,” Rubio told another reporter, “but I do know this — Knock knock.” The reporter answered by asking who was there. “Iwannawin,” Rubio said back to the reporter, who again responded with the traditional response. “I wanna win so bad I’ll start trying to lower myself to Trump’s level and do horrible, shticky jokes that are decades old and lame. HI-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Rubio hopes his new material will help him on the campaign trail, but also as a second line of work, should he fail in his bid for the nomination. He has already given up running for re-election to his Florida Senate seat, so it’s the White House or bust for Rubio.

“Let’s just dispel the myth that I don’t get no respect at all,” Rubio said, “I am highly respected. Just not by my peers or anyone who is remotely progressive. I think I’d make a fine comedian or president, or at least I’d be a really good joke of a president, or something. But let’s just dispel this myth that I don’t get no respect at all…”

 

About James Schlarmann 1380 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.

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