WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaking at a prayer breakfast and fundraiser held at a D.C.-area coffee shop, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) popped his head out to tell those attending the breakfast that he does not thing the Senate should hold any hearings or votes on Supreme Court nominees until “the Democratic Senate confirms President Hillary Clinton’s pick next year.”
McConnell said he’s “just so very tired these days” and finds that he needs “way more nap time than before.” That nap time, he says, leaves him very little time to confirm Supreme Court Justices, and he’d just rather let the Democrats and Hillary Clinton “figure it all out” after they win in the Fall. Some in attendance looked bewildered and asked Senator McConnell if that meant he was convinced his party would lose the White House and maybe the control of the Senate after the General Election this November.
“Does a bear shit on his lover’s chest when asked,” McConnell shot back, “and have you seen our candidates. A reality-TV fascist lite, a Christian Dominionist, and a guy who seems really normal until you hear the words coming out of his mouth about women’s health and the like? Yeah. We’re fucked, y’all.”
Senator McConnell told reporters and breakfast eaters alike that this decision was based both on his “loathing of Obama” and also his “deep abiding dislike for Obama” as well as his “never-ending distrust and loathing of Obama.”
“Look, if there were any other way around this, I’d go for it,” McConnell said with dejection in his voice and pancake on his breath, “but there just isn’t. But hey, if we just delay it and don’t make a big deal about why, we can pretend it’s because we’re really confident we’ll win the White House in November, and you never know! Democrats could totally throw this one away if either the Bernie or Hillary supporters come down with a case of the 24-hour Stupids and not vote.”
Sources close to current Republican front runner Donald Trump said that he was “not very happy” about McConnell’s prediction of the billionaire mogul losing the General Election.
“Clearly, Senator McConnell will be the first one called on the carpet in front of Emperor — excuse me — President Trump — to be held accountable for his disrespectful tongue,” the Trump aide told us, “and we will hold him accountable better than anyone’s ever been held accountable. He’ll atone so friggin’ hard for this bullshit.”
This week, President Barack Obama nominated Merrick Garland, a D.C. circuit judge who also helped prosecute Timothy McVeigh — the Oklahoma City bombing mastermind — to fill now-deceased Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia’s vacant seat on the high court. McConnell and his fellow Senate Republicans have vowed to block any and all nominees until the next president is elected in November.