Mitt Romney: ‘I Know a Lot About Losing Elections, and Marco Rubio’s Got It!’

LA JOLLA, CALIFORNIA — Dressed in khaki board shorts and a V-neck sweater made entirely of hundred-dollar bills, former Massachusetts Governor and failed 2012 Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney stepped in front of a podium and told reporters he was supporting Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) for the GOP nomination this year, cementing the Floridian as the establishment wing’s new pick, having watched Jeb Bush and Scott Walker flame out already.

“You know, I was just talking on the phone with Bob Dole, George H.W. Bush, and John McCain,” Romney told the reporters outside his home, “and we all agree that the one guy who reminds us most of ourselves is Senator Marco Rubio. That’s why we’re all endorsing him as the next not-President. After all,” Romney said with a wink, “I know a lot about losing elections, and Marco Rubio’s got it!”

Romney took out a notepad made from recycled $1000 bills he “no longer needs,” and gave the press a few, short bullet points as to why Rubio is his pick for the Republican nomination.

“We all saw what happened when the Democrats put a junior Senator in the White House, and now it’s time for us to do the same thing,” Romney said, “and who could be better to lead our country into a new century of meaningless wars than the guy who seems to get an erection just talking about World War III and radical Jihadists? If it’s fiscal responsibility you’re voting for, you should put your trust in the guy who used a party credit card for personal finances!”

Mr. Romney, who last in a landslide to President Barack Obama in 2012, said that Republican voters looking for a return to “the great Republican tradition of out of touch religious conservatives” would find “a lot to love about Marco.”

“If it’s a lack of executive experience and an overabundance of religiousity you crave,” Romney said, “then Marco’s your guy. He’s so old school he doesn’t even think rape victims should feel that bad about having a rape baby. Talk about being exactly what Americans in 2016 need in a leader! He’d be the best golly-gosh-dang-darn imam — er I mean president — this country has ever seen! He’d be an ever better president than I wasn’t!”

Senator Rubio released a statement thanking Romney for his support hours after the press conference was held.

“Let’s just dispel the rumor right now — Mitt Romney is the greatest not-President of our life times, and I would be honored to one day be mentioned in the same breath as other great Republican not-Presidents like him, Bob Dole, and John McCain. But let’s just dispel the rumor right now — Mitt Romney is the greatest not-President of our life times, and I would be honored to one day be mentioned in the same breath as other great Republican not-Presidents like him, Bob Dole, and John McCain. And again, let’s just dispel the rumor right now — Mitt Romney is the greatest not-President of our life times, and I would be honored to one day be mentioned in the same breath as other great Republican not-Presidents like him, Bob Dole, and John McCain.”

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