BURNS, OREGON — For “a gallant performance in the line of duty, and suffering through an enormous bruise,” Grant Ryan has been awarded a Purple Heart award. Ryan is a 26 year old self-described “modern libertarian” and he made the trek to Oregon from his home state of Florida to give what he calls “moral and firepower support” the group of militiamen that have started squatting in a federal bird observatory in the Beaver State.
“At approximately zero-seven-thirty hours on January 3rd, 2016, Private Corporal Master Chief Grant Ryan valiantly served this militia,” General Admiral Vice Captain Michael Schemwitz told a gathered group of reporters outside the bird observatory this week at a press conference, “when he went into the refrigerator to get himself some cold cuts, and accidentally stubbed his toe.” In the “ensuing panic,” Schemwitz says, “Private Corporal Master Chief Ryan did the only sensible thing a patriotic militiaman does — shoot first and ask questions later.”
Ryan began firing his Bushmaster AR-15 at the refrigerator, assuming he’d later say that he was “under attack by some libtarded, jackbooted thug of Obummer’s.” All told, Ryan fired two hundred and eighty five rounds of ammunition at the refrigerator, killing it, wounding a television and twelve other members of his squadron who were in the next room taking turns masturbating to pictures of women with no teeth holding large, semi-automatic weapons. The Purple Heart was given to Ryan because he developed “one hell of a bruise” on his right big toe from the stubbing, and because he helped carry the men he’d wounded to the ambulance, despite it.
“Private Corporal Master Chief Ryan demonstrated great bravery that day,” Schemwitz said in his remarks at the ceremony at which the award was given, “when he could have just sat down and cried a little over hurting his tootsies. Instead, like a true patriotic man, he did what patriots do — he fired his deadly weapon blindly at what had wronged him. Shooting first and asking questions later isn’t just the right thing to do, it isn’t just the Republican thing to do, it’s the goddamned American thing to do!”
After receiving his award, Private Corporal Master Chief Ryan told reporters he was “proud to have served against the tyranny of our government” and that once his bruise “healed all up” he’d be back on the frontlines, squatting in an empty building. “I’m squatting for you, I’m squatting for me, I’m squatting for the whole damn U-S-of-A, and I will keep squatting and brandishing my firearms because as we all know, that’s what mature, responsible adults do,” Ryan said, “and judging by my lack of job and other responsibilities that allowed me to come here in the middle of the week and play GI Joe, I’d say you know just how mature and responsible I really am.”