WASHINGTON, D.C. — Throughout his tumultuous first week on the job, President Donald J. Trump hasn’t said much about who he will be nominating to fill Justice Antonin Scalia’s seat on the Supreme Court bench. Though he’s been signing a spate of executive orders — he hasn’t gone a single day since being in office without signing one — Trump has been uncharacteristically mum on just who he would be choosing to fill the seat that was made empty when Scalia died last year.
This morning, Trump tweeted that he’d announce tomorrow night who his choice was. But wild speculation on the Hill has produced a theory as to who the alleged billionaire and former reality-TV star would be choosing to hear cases in the country’s highest court.
I have made my decision on who I will nominate for The United States Supreme Court. It will be announced live on Tuesday at 8:00 P.M. (W.H.)
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 30, 2017
Speaking on the condition of anonymity and Wal-Mart gift cards, several sources within the Trump administration have confirmed that alleged-celebrity Scott Baio will be tapped as Trump’s Supreme Court justice.
“The president likes Scott’s loyalty first and foremost,” one aide said, “because Scott knows that not a whole lot of people were beating down his door before President Trump signed him up to be on his team during the campaign.”
Another staffer said that while Trump understands Mr. Baio is an actor and has never been a lawyer or practiced law in real life, he did play a lawyer on the television show “Arrested Development,” and that was good enough for Trump.
“He played Bob Loblaw on that show,” one source said, “and considering Mr. Trump is a reality-TV star and used to falsified, made-for-TV drama, that’s really quite enough to satisfy Trump’s desires in a Supreme Court justice.”
Still another source has told several outlets that President Trump isn’t taking the task of choosing a Supreme Court justice seriously because he doesn’t believe the Supreme Court is worthy of its title.
“Mr. Trump just doesn’t see what the big deal about the Supreme Court is,” one Trump adviser is quoted as saying, “because he’s been to Taco Bell. He’s had the taco supreme. And he doesn’t feel it was all that much better than the regular taco. I mean, what is it? Just sour creme and some more cheese and lettuce they put on it, and the call that supreme? Trump feels the Supreme Court suffers from the same over-hyping.”
One source told us that Trump doesn’t actually think Baio lacks experience at all, and that he is “uniquely qualified” to be a justice.
“He was on a show called ‘Charles in Charge,'” the aide said, “and in the president’s mind, that means he’s very familiar with responsibility. People don’t get put in charge of things unless they’re trustworthy. If the show had been called ‘Charles, Who You Can’t Trust With Adult Responsibilities,’ that would be something completely different and Mr. Trump would go with someone even better and more qualified than Mr. Baio…like Jan Michael Vincent, Tom Selleck, or the reanimated corpse of Gary Coleman.”
There was no word if President Trump considered any television stars from other decades besides the 1980’s. Trump will announce his Supreme Court justice selection at 8pm on Tuesday, January 31st, 2017.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.