Ted Cruz Would Sign Executive Order Retroactively Deporting All Immigrant Families Ever

LAGO DE SABÁNAS Y CAMPANAS, TEXAS — As the race for the 2016 Republican nomination heats up, sources close to Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), say he understands very clearly he needs to take rhetorical steps that allow him to distance himself from Donald J. Trump and Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), placing him as the most conservative candidate in the field. That, sources are saying, is why Cruz announced in his home state of Texas this week that as president he would sign an executive order retroactively barring any immigrant or descendant of immigrants from living in the United States.

Cruz appeared on Fox News with Bill O’Reilly earlier in the week and said he would support deporting all of the estimated eleven million undocumented immigrants living in the United States, and in Texas he made it clear he wasn’t stopping there.

“What better way to ensure that the only people who are here are the people we want here because they look like us, talk like us, and worship the same imaginary person we do in the exact same way we do,” Cruz asked rally attendees in a church parking lot in the Lone Star state, “than to round up literally everyone who ever came here from somewhere else and ship them back to where they came from?”

Sources in the Cruz campaign acknowledge there are “several key, glaring issues” with Cruz’s plan, such as the fact that unless they come from fully Native American ancestry, that would mean that Cruz’s actions would deport literally every other human being living here. When asked about this by a reporter after the rally Cruz smiled and clucked at the reporter.

“Yes, of course I know that means I also wouldn’t be allowed to stay since my father is an immigrant,” Cruz said, “but when the hell has being a hypocrite about something stopped a Republican from blabbering on about it?”

Another problem with the plan, Cruz aides say, is that it positions him as a hypocrite on the whole notion of executive orders, as the firebrand senator has been one of President Barack Obama’s harshest critics for his use of his executive powers on immigration.

“Yes, of course I know that I don’t have the constitutional power to do such a thing, and that in doing so I’d be become a really big hypocrite since I have criticized Obama for every executive order he’s written, especially the ones on immigration” Cruz responded, “but when the hell has being a hypocrite about something stopped a Republican from doing anything?”

Finally, Cruz admits, sources say, that his plan is “pretty unworkable” and “damn-near impossible to enforce” but they feel he can still sell his plan to the Republican voters.

“These are the voters who still think we found WMD in Iraq,” Cruz said with a laugh, “and that climate change is a hoax, so yeah, I think I can convince them to self-deport themselves, all 330 million of them.”

Senator Cruz did, however, tell reporters he would be willing to make exceptions for Americans who didn’t wish to be deported.

“All you have to do is renounce whatever set of morals and ethics you live by,” Cruz said, “and pledge your undying fealty to Jesus Christ, the Bible, God, America, and maybe me. Then you can stay. Simple as that. See? Compassionate fascism — excuse me, Republican fascism. God Bless America, God Bless the Republican Party, and God bless me!”

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