Everyone thinks Kim Davis, the anti-gay evangelical born again Kentucky County Clerk who made headlines last year when she served jail time for contempt of court for not issuing same-sex marriage licenses, is the biggest surprise invitee to Obama’s last State of the Union Address, but everyone is dead wrong! So who are the most surprising guests for tonight’s State of the Union? Check it out!
#3. The Prophet Muhammad/Allah
Sources close to President Obama say that he’s been waiting very patiently to reveal that he is in fact a Sharia loving Islamic Muslim as so many in the right-wing media have suspected for so long. His very last State of the Union, one source said, “would be the perfect time to reveal his deep, abiding, Islamic faith” and he has decided to do so in a big, big way. According to top aides, two weeks ago Obama reached out via Special Muslim Mail to both the Prophet Muhammad and Allah himself, and to his surprise both accepted the invitation. Muhammad and Allah will be seated in the viewing gallery next to First Lady Michelle Obama, since she “obviously knows how to behave around Muslim men since because she’s been fake married to one for so long,” one source said. The president expects conservatives to be angry, but knows they don’t have the votes needed to impeach him, and that’s why tonight is the night to reveal his true, Muslim identity.
#2. The Entire New Black Panther Party
Ask any Republican, and they’ll tell you the people we should fear the most are those who would corrupt our government to turn it against us in pursuit of something so temporal as earthly riches. LOL! J/K! The people that Republicans fear the most are the gays, the blacks, the Mexicans, the Islams, and the Gay Black Mexican Islams! Oh, and if you’ve ever been watching Fox News when the New Black Panther Party is mentioned, you’ll know that they prove that while conservatives think the Second Amendment should apply to everyone, they don’t think it should apply to you know, everyone. So that’s why Obama decided to troll the people who have been accusing him of secretly hating America and white Americans specifically by inviting every single member of the New Black Panther Party to sit right next to him on the dais as he delivers the State of the Union.
#1. The Benghazi Attackers & Osama Bin Laden
What would make the Republicans’ head spin the fastest, Obama asked himself according to many people close to him. One staffer said that “the president has been trying to figure out how to out-troll the GOP in his final State of the Union for weeks” and he believes Obama has pulled it off. “He’s going to invite not only the people who committed the Benghazi attacks, he’s going to admit on stage that he ordered a stand-down that night specifically so he could invite the attackers to his final State of the Union address,” another White House assistant said to us. But if that wasn’t enough, Obama plans to also confirm one final right-wing conspiracy theory tonight as well…by inviting none other than Osama Bin Laden to attend the speech.
“Now that 2012 is way over and they can’t really impeach him,” a source said, “he’s going to admit that he and Bin Laden are friends that go Muslim golfing all the time, and he’ll give him a special terrorist fist bump on the way to the dais as well.”