Trump Has Sons Barricade Oval Office Door In Case Mueller Pulls Into White House Driveway

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump, acting within his duties as Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States of America, issued an order to his sons Uday and Qusay Trump Jr. to barricade the Oval Office doors.

Trump is concerned, sources say, that the FBI’s raid of Michael Cohen, his longtime lawyer, means that Special Counsel Robert Mueller will soon be knocking on the White House door, looking to seize documents, interview the president, or worse.  Mueller was appointed by the FBI after Trump fired the bureau’s former director, James Comey, and has been investigating both the 2016 presidential election as well as any possibility that Trump obstructed justice when he fired Comey. Trump’s reasoning for firing Comey has changed a few times, and some feel his public statements make a very damning circumstantial case for obstruction.

This morning, in a pair of tweets, Trump declared attorney-client privilege “dead” and then howled in an all-caps blast that the Mueller investigation is a “TOTAL WITCH HUNT.” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders would tell the press pool, her mouth littered in the corners with Cinnamon Toast Crunch crumbs, that the use of three exclamation points in Trump’s witch hunt tweet show he means “bigly business.”

“Boys, if that bastard Mueller shows up in the driveway, I don’t want him getting in here, see? Barricade that door, boys,” Trump ordered his sons.

“Yes sir, Daddy God Emperor Sir,” the president’s overbitten son, Don Jr., told his father as he hurriedly set about blocking the door into the Oval Office.

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating:

Building materials for the barricade came from the $1.75 million in furniture that President Trump has ordered for the White House. Previous presidents have gone out of pocket to pay for such furnishings, but Trump has made no indication one way or another if he will be doing so himself. When Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders rubbed the gravy from her tear ducts, she noticed that the new furniture was being used in this way and asked if the taxpayers should be paying for this endeavor.

“We’ll, umm, have Mexico pay for it or something. Later. Down the line. I don’t know. Whatever,” President Trump said distractedly.

The building of the barricade took much longer than expected because Trump’s second son, Eric, was distracted by a streak of sunlight on the carpet, and he stared at the shiny spot it made for the entire time he was in the Oval Office. Trump would pat Eric on the head and hand him a treat every now and again, and Eric would simply smile, take the treat, and keep staring at the bright sunlight on the Oval Office carpet.

The White House did not respond to requests for comment.

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