WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has officially petitioned the U.S. Government to have the nuclear launch codes each president is given as a precaution against inadvertently starting World War III changed to something “Mr. Trump won’t have such a hard time memorizing.”
While few outside the most inner circles of government even know what the current launch codes look like, Trump’s request makes it very clear that he doesn’t feel confident he can be expected to “rule the country and remember hardcore serious passwords” at the same time. As Trump was seen leaving the White House to go get a Big Mac and fries, the alleged billionaire explained himself further.
“Look, I’m be too busy winning, making America great again, and starting the Chapter 11 proceedings for the U.S. Treasury to be bothered to remember a complex series of alphanumeric characters,” Trump told reporters. “I think the best solution for nuclear launch codes is the best solution for business, and everything else — K.I.S.S. That’s an acrobat for Keep it Simple, Bob. I don’t know what that extra S is for.”
According to Trump’s request, the billionaire mogul and former reality-TV star wants the nuclear launch codes changed to “1-2-3-4-5.” He says he isn’t worried about everyone knowing the secret codes as because “winners have the confidence to know they’re right, even when they’re wrong.”
“It’s like, really not something presidents have time for,” Trump told reporters later, “to memorize things and whatnot.”
He said that he’s had the same ATM code — TRUMP69 — since the late 1980’s and he sees no problem with that. President elect Trump told reporters that “winners don’t need data security” and that he doesn’t “really even need nuke-you-lar weapons.”
Trump insisted “other nations will fall in line behind” him because “everyone knows Trump means success and winning.”
“Hey, I’m not saying nukes aren’t great,” Trump told the media, “and I’m committed to making sure we have the best nukes possible. I’m just saying I personally don’t need them. People cower before me just because they know I’m rich, super-duper successful and put my name on things I own. People respect that. Everyone respects that, really. So maybe I’ll just sell our nukes to the highest bidder because after all I believe in the freest markets possible. And what freer market is there than one where a president can sell his country’s nuclear stockpiles?”
The request to change the nuclear codes included a related request.
“And since the nerds will already be in the computers doing what they need to do to change the nuke codes,” Trump said, “they might as well change the presidential luggage code to match. Another secret of winners — making all your passwords and passcodes the same. Less things to memorize equals more time to win. Bing-bang-boom, Make America Great, Drain The Swamp, May the Force Be With You, Chim-chimney-chim-chimney, chim-chim-charee.”
Representatives from Speaker Paul Ryan’s office didn’t respond to a request for comment. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was busy sleeping in a coal mine and jerking off to the latest reports of the polar ice melting to be bothered to care.