Trump Open Hand Smacks Merkel Across Face and Tells Her ‘Vladimir Putin Says Hello’

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM — President Trump made quite an international splash at the annual NATO summit this morning when he blasted Germany for signing natural gas deals with Russia, which he says violates NATO accords.

Reportedly, Mr. Trump wasn’t done insulting and berating one of America’s strongest allies of the last 30 years this morning, either. Later in the day, Trump made an even bigger scene when he met with Angela Merkel, Germany’s chancellor.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” one witness said. “He just walked right up to her, swung his hand back behind his head, and smacked her. Right on the cheek.”

Another eyewitness said that Mr. Trump had a special message for Ms. Merkel after he slapped her.

“Vladimir Putin says hello,” Trump said, in his trademark raspy growl. “Also, he said you have to give me some fucking schnitzel. I’m tired of you never having any goddamned fucking schnitz when I see, Angie! It’s not cool. At all. Daddy want schnitzy.”

Reportedly, though Trump’s slap landed true, doctors on the scene say she suffered “literally no injuries” and that what she may have felt in her own body might be akin to a tickling.


MORE: On Call With Merkel, Trump Brings Up Taxation Without Representation


“Luckily for Ms. Merkel,” one medical professional at the summit said, “and really for the whole world in general, the president’s hands simply aren’t large enough to do any real damage. The math of the physics just doesn’t make for him being to create a whole lot of kinetic energy with those little sausage fingers he’s got.”

President Trump will meet with Putin next week for the highly anticipated first performance review of his presidency. Some have wondered if Trump’s bluster and bullying of Germany and other NATO allies is a show to Putin that he’s still very loyal to the man who the overwhelming majority of intelligence agencies surmised helped Trump win. It’s unclear if that’s the case, but reached for comment, Mr. Putin said he is “very pleased” with his “little orange purse dog.”

“Look, I’m not saying that Donald did that to please me. I’m just saying it pleases me,” Putin said in a statement. “Just like I’m not saying I helped him win the presidency by mapping out a very narrow path to victory in a few key swing states and targeting the most obscenely and grossly stupid anti-Hillary propaganda at those slack jawed morons, but I’m not NOT saying I helped him win the presidency by mapping out a very narrow path to victory in a few key swing states and targeting the most obscenely and grossly stupid anti-Hillary propaganda at those slack jawed morons, am I?”

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals



Trump Supporter Visits Germany and Wonders Aloud, “Where Are All The Hitler Statues?”

More from James Schlarmann

Oregon Militia Squatter Explains Why Colin Kaepernick Hates America

A man who pointed guns at federal agents believes Colin Kaepernick hates...
Read More

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *