MAR-A-LAGO — As the year comes to a close, and having just scored a decisive victory in the War on Christmas, President Donald Trump has issued an executive order that he says will “ensure the dominance of Christmas for generations to come.”
“Folks, we’ve had a really tremendous, bigly tremendous most would say, year. We’ve had so many victories, so many,” Trump said. “We stole a Supreme Court seat from a black…president. We established my beautiful resort here at Mar-A-Lago as the first Southern White House since the glorious Confederacy setup shop in Richmond. And just last week we passed a ginormous tax cut for my wealthy golf buddies, AND won the War on Christmas.”
Trump said, however, that all of that was “merely preambular” to what will be his signature, crowning achievement for his first year in office.
“I am signing this executive order to ensure the dominance of Christmas for generations to come,” Trump said, sliding his normal-sized crayon that looks huge in his hands across the official paperwork. “From now on, after today, every American citizen must say Merry Christmas on every, single holiday.”
Pulling out a calendar, Trump began to explain himself.
“Here, I’ll show you, on this calendar my First Lady gave me. Doesn’t Ivanka look amazing in these shots? Jared is one lucky SOB, I tell you what,” Trump said.
For another thirty minutes, Trump rambled semi-coherently about how “hot,” “sexy,” “schlong-able,” and “fuck-tastic” his daughter is.
“Anyway, so here’s this holiday here, in January…Martin Luther King Day,” Trump said. He paused, a quizzical look on his face. “Wait, we give them their own holidays now? Isn’t it enough they get to be president and can vote and aren’t slaves or whatever? Anyway, we’ll look into that later. Point is, you’d say ‘Merry Christmas’ to everyone on MLK day.”
St. Patrick’s Day, Columbus Day, Veteran’s Day, and even the Fourth of July all will be celebrated with “Merry Christmas” from now on, Trump said.
“I’ve learned a lot this year, but one of the bigliest is just how whiny and snowflake-y my base is about having their safe spaces threatened,” Trump said. “And Merry Christmas might be their biggest safe space. So from now on, that’s all I want to hear on every holiday. Don’t make me mandate that you say it every single day, fam. I’ll do it. I swear to God, I totally will do it!”
Reached for comment, Speaker Paul Ryan told us he was too busy getting blown by rich donors after pushing the deeply unpopular tax cut package through Congress to care “about literally anything else ever.”
“He did what now? Oh. Sad. Who the fuck cares, I just got Reaganomics 2.0 passed, and I’m coming for your Social Security and Medicare next,” Ryan said, grunting and groaning as he was give fellatio by Republican super-donor Sheldon Adelson.
This story is developing.