WASHINGTON, D.C. — The list of James Comey’s successors as the Director of the FBI is truly only known to one man and his staff — alleged President Donald Trump. The president chose to wield his executive power this week and dismiss Comey, though conflicting reports as to why and how he came to that conclusion have left the public wondering if the FBI’s investigation into collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia.
Word out of the White House is that one man in particular has made quite an impression on the commander in chief, and that he’s considering asking his longtime friend and former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly to to accept the post. On a morning doughnut, hamburger, fried Oreo, and milkshake run earlier today, Trump was stopped by the press pool and he acknowledged that the rumor was true and that he was “really leaning hard” toward nominating O’Reilly.
“First of all,” Trump told reporters, “it’s not like Bill’s doing a whole lot right now. What’s he doing — a podcast or some shit? I don’t even know what I podcast is. Is that where you take green beans and throw them into the ocean to catch fish? I’ll have my kids explain that me later. Speaking of my children, where’s my First Lady?”
Ivanka Trump came striding up to her father.
“Ah, there you are,” Trump said, kissing Ivanka on the cheek, but reaching his arms around her waist. He turned her so her back was to the reporters and then he pretended to grab her buttocks like middle school boys do at dances.”
While O’Reilly doesn’t have any career experience either in law enforcement or criminal justice, Mr. Trump didn’t seem to mind that too much.
“Well, no, he doesn’t have any experience being the one actually doing the investigating,” Trump admitted, “but I imagine being the subject of numerous sexual misconduct investigations while at Fox might have given him some useful insights.”
The president believes that even though Mr. O’Reilly hasn’t ever been a police officer or worked in any kind of capacity with law and order, that he’d be a good fit for the job because of his cultural background.
“I don’t want to play identity politics,” Trump said, “but he is Irish, and I am a big believer in cultural and racial stereotypes. So in my mind, he’d make a great, big, drunk Irish copper, don’t you think?
At one point during the exchange between reporters and Trump, it became clear that perhaps the president was considering O’Reilly for a post at a different organization with a similar acronym.
“If anyone is qualified to be a Female Body Inspector, it’s my good pal Bill,” President Trump said, a smile on his face.
Just then, Ivanka leaned over to her father. She whispered something in his ear. Trump went wide-eyed for a moment, then he spoke.
“Wait,” Trump said to his daughter, “It stands for what now? Federal Bureau of…Goddamnit. Well, we’ll see what happens anyway. TRUMP OUT!”
Representatives for Bill O’Reilly said he was out “doing it LIVE!” and would not comment on this story.
Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.