WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, President Donald Trump made waves both domestically and internationally when he announced the the United States would begin a four year process to remove itself from the Paris Climate Change Accords. As he left the White House Saturday morning for a day of golf, Trump told reporters from the press pool in the coming weeks he’d be pulling the country out of another treaty he called a “really terrible deal.”
“Steve was telling me the other day about this really bad treaty,” Trump said, putting his golf gloves on, “it was called The Treaty of Apple Bottom Jeans, I think it’s called?”
Just then, Steve Bannon leaned over and whispered into Trump’s ear. The president looked at Bannon and mouthed, “You sure?” When Bannon nodded in the affirmative, Trump shook his head slightly and corrected himself, somewhat reluctantly.
“Sorry, he’s telling me it’s Appomattox, but that sounds almost Muslim so I’m going to look into that,” Trump continued, “anyway, he said it was this big huge treaty that was signed back int he 1800’s. Folks, that’s a very long time for one legal contract to hold up, don’t you think? I think so. And I told the American people I would be looking at all the deals that were made before I got here, to see if I can Trump them up a bit, if you know what I mean.”
The president indicated that not every element of the Treaty of Appomattox would need to be “addressed.” Some provisions he’s “absolutely fine with.” However, there are some provisions that Attorney General Jeff Sessions says need to be fixed immediately, and Trump said he has “always believed you go with the diminutive elf with giant ears on the horse that you got you there.”
“For starters,” Trump explained, “I’m not so sure we should have declared a winner. Sure one side was surrendering, but look at all the pain and problems it’s starting now. People wouldn’t be taking down the glorious monuments to these racist heroes of our past if there hadn’t ever been a declared loser. Nobody would be able to be snide about the glorious stars and bars if the Apple Cranberry Sauce treaty didn’t exist!”
President Trump said that tearing up the Appomattox treaty would be a sign to the rest of the world that the United States would not bow to any deals made with any other country, even itself.
“The way I see it,” Trump said, “the Civil War was avoidable anyway. Didn’t Andrew Jackson mention in his Civil War diaries how the whole thing could have been avoided if we’d just stopped treating black people like three-fifths a person and upped that fraction to four-fifths? Makes sense to me, anyway!”
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Trump says Sessions believes there might be a way to “lynch two negroes with one rope,” as he put it, by shredding the Appomattox treaty.
“I want to build my wall,” Trump explained, “and we are going to build my wall. But the egghead nerds in Congress say I have to have it in a budget first. Dumb. Sessions says, though, that if we tear up the App Store Fleas and Ticks Treaty, technically that might make slavery legal again. Because that means the Confederate states wouldn’t have been able to ratify the 13th Amendment, so guess what? We just found a whole new source of free labor for my wall, biiiiiittttcheeeessssss!”
Somewhere, off in the distance, witnesses spotted Attorney General Sessions whistling “Dixie” while he stood up a giant lowercase-T, cackling, hooting, and rambling about protecting his special family cookie recipe from “globalist cucks.”
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.