CINCINNATI, OHIO — At the time of publication, several sources within the Trump administration are reporting that the president’s tweeting fingers have been shaking uncontrollably for the last hour. The reports indicate that the shaking started just after fired FBI Director James Comey started testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee about his interactions with President-Elect and the President Trump.
“As soon as Comey started calling Trump a liar,” one source who would only speak if we promised to call him Shmeince Shmebus, “his fingers just started shaking crazily. I’ve never seen such a thing before.”
Another source says that in addition to Trump’s fingers twitching and shaking, his face has “gone from orange to red” and he has nearly bitten a whole in his lower lip.
“It’s crazy times here right now,” one aide said, “Bannon’s in the corner puking, Kellyanne Conway is seeing if she can find her soul somewhere, Stephen Miller is in his sleeping coffin trying to find some peace. And the president’s hands are shaking out of control while his face has gone from orange to red, and he’s been biting on his lower lip so much we’re all terrified he’s going to chew it clean off.”
White Press Secretary Sean Spicer, peaking out from behind a bush, briefed reporters on the status of Trump’s fingers just moments before publishing this story.
“I don’t want want to get ahead of the piss-poss-peas-puss-prism-prize-prose-PRESIDENT,” Spicer said, “but clearly it’s very difficult for the president to keep himself away from Twitter for too long. Sure, he could be focusing on his agenda, or even being a better president, but why? His base doesn’t care, and actually likes that he’s a massive troll douchebag in his tweets, so, there’s that.”
Spicer said that the president’s team
This is a developing story.
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.