ESOTERIA, WISCONSIN — Sources close to Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus are telling reporters that he has become “terrified and despondent” after having realized that none of the candidates his party is fielding for president are “nearly as electable” as Mitt Romney was.
“Mitt was electable,” Susan Johnson, Priebus’ Deputy Assistant Junior Spokeswoman told the press at a Monday morning briefing, “even if he wasn’t elected.” Johnson said that her boss has realized now that “Romney could look and sound presidential” which was more than he could say for either of the two front runners — billionaire mogul Donald J. Trump and Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), who Johnson said Priebus has started calling “Reasons 1 & 2 Why There is No God.” Johnson admitted that while Romney caused problems with Hispanic voters because he “advocated for the mass deportation of eleven million immigrants” in 2016 Romney might have done better because, Johnson asked rhetorically, “Don’t we all pine for the days when the GOP candidate was just mildly offensive to people of color instead of an outright racist-stoking asshole like we have as our front runner now?”
Johnson told reporters that on Saturday morning Priebus summoned her to his office and as she entered the conference room he was working in, he blurted out to her, “Goddamnit, if we can’t even get someone semi-sane sounding like Romney elected, how are we going to get that wannabe televangelist Cruz or that reality-TV whore Trump elected?” Over the next several hours, Johnson says, she and Priebus poured over “dozens and dozens of election scenario reports” in which they tried to find a way to get Trump, Cruz, or even any of the other “roughly 22 other people still deluded enough into thinking their own party would nominate them, let alone the general public would elect them” into the White House.
“But no matter who we looked at, they all looked like caca as soon as we scraped just below the surface,” Ms. Johnson said. Rick Santorum would “scare people who don’t want to live under Sharia Law,” as would Mike Huckabee, according to Johnson and Priebus. Someone like Ben Carson “looks good on paper” Johnson said, but “unless you’re a narcoleptic sociopath” he eventually “scares the shit out of you with either his stupidity, violent tendencies, or both.” Carly Fiorina “comes off like she’s more full of shit than a Texas fertilizer plant right before it blows” and “no one in their right mind would make Rand Paul the Hall Monitor, let alone the president, where he’d have to think about something other than auditing the Fed and the laughable Gold Standard all the time.”
Ultimately, Johnson said, Priebus has “resigned himself to polishing whatever turds he has left” because “it’s probably too late to start actually caring at this point.” With the Iowa caucus and the New Hampshire primary just a matter of days away, Trump still has a lead over Cruz, though it was shrunk as of late.